Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

This is funny stuff here.

They’re not happy in Libya …
They’re not happy in Morocco …
They’re not happy in Iran …
They’re not happy in Iraq …
They’re not happy in Yemen …
They’re not happy in Afghanistan …
They’re not happy in Pakistan …
They’re not happy in Syria …
They’re not happy in Lebanon …

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
They’re happy in Australia …
They’re happy in Canada …
They’re happy in England …
They’re happy in France …
They’re happy in Italy …
They’re happy in Germany …
They’re happy in Sweden …
They’re happy in the USA …
They’re happy in Norway …
They’re happy in Holland …
They’re happy in Denmark …
Basically, they’re happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!
AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
They blame the countries where they’re happy!
And then, they want to change those countries to be like, the country they came from where they were unhappy!
Excuse me, but I can’t help wondering. How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let’s have a look at the evidence:
• No Christmas
• No television
• No nude women
• No football
• No pork chops
• No hot dogs
• No burgers
• No beer or liquor
• No bacon
• Rags for clothes
• Towels for hats
• Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
• More than one wife
• More than one mother-in-law
• You can’t shave
• Your wife can’t shave
• You can’t wash off the smell of donkeys
• You cook over burning camel poop
• Your wife is picked by someone else for you
• and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell them that “when they die, it all gets better?”
Well, No Shit Sherlock!
It’s not like it could get much worse!

-Unknown Author

Stumbled onto this. LMAO.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)

Truer words were never spoken…

TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG??
An Israeli Sense of Humor at the United Nations sets the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began:
‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses:

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,
“What a good opportunity to have a bath!”
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.
A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and
shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.”

The Israeli representative smiled and said,
“And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.”

…seems like a good cause.

Been busy, just now catching up.

Hilarious.

Day by Day Cartoon

Tuesday Humor…

Posted: 25 Mar 2014 in Humor, Video
Tags: , ,

…this is hilarious.
If you need a laugh, this will do it.

LMAO

Teh Funny…

Posted: 24 Mar 2014 in Humor, Politics
Tags: , , ,

…for your Monday blues.

Not sure if you heard this news, but science has finally clarified it for us!!!

Periodic Table Addition:

Pelosium: A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named Pelosium.

Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 223 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU. Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in voting concentration

Teh Funny…

Posted: 20 Sep 2013 in Humor, Truth
Tags: , , ,

…I laugh at shit too easily.

But this is funny.

Truth