Liberal Qualifications… Tuesday, Apr 21 2009 

Axis of Idiots and Humor and Socialism and Stupid People and Truth , , , , , 1idvet 15:46 pm

I saw this was scrawled on the Castle wall, which is where I stole borrowed it from.

17 QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but PETA activists do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

13. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, or Abraham Lincoln.

14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

16. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

17. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

 

British Media… Thursday, Apr 2 2009 

Axis of Idiots and Comarade Obama and Humor and Media and Politics and Stupid People , , , , 1idvet 17:29 pm

Sometimes the Brits get it right…

Obama told a joke and Brown laughed… and laughed… and laughed… and laughed

By Quentin Letts
Oh Gordon, your smile! The Prime Minister, appearing alongside Barack Obama after breakfast today, stared at his American visitor and almost shattered the TV camera lenses with his moony grin.

You could have played Jewish harp with his lower lip, it was stretched so twangy tight.

Messrs Mills and Boon, when next looking for a book cover for one of their romantic novellas, when next seeking an illustration of doggy devotion, could do worse than use a photograph of the Prime Minister at the meeting.

More

 

Nuts Are Next to the What? Wednesday, Mar 4 2009 

Humor and Media , 1idvet 17:14 pm

I can’t resist. My humor bone is easily tickled.

CNN Anchor Can’t Tell ‘Nuts From …

A U.S. airline is now selling “penis” on flights, an anchorwoman has declared.

The slip-up happened on CNN when anchorwoman Zain Verjee was reporting about Northwest Airlines now selling peanuts on flights.

Verjee mentioned the word “penis” three times instead of “peanuts.”

“Northwest began serving penis this month as its merger partner Atlanta-based Delta airlines has done for years,” Verjee said.

“Georgia is the top penis producing state in the country.”

The footage has been uploaded to YouTube in many different versions and has become an internet sensation with more than 700,000 views today.

Perhaps the caption at the bottom of the screen distracted her – it declared “nuts on Northwest flights.”


 

Some Funnies Thursday, Feb 26 2009 

Comarade Obama and Congress and Economics and Humor and Politics , , , , , 1idvet 17:53 pm

Go get your daily bowl of Prix:

STIMULUS CARTOONS (PART 1)


 

Summing Up the Cost Tuesday, Feb 24 2009 

Axis of Idiots and Comarade Obama and Education and Humor , , 1idvet 17:34 pm

A summation of the 11 most expensive catastrophes in history:

# 11. Titanic – $150 Million

The sinking of the Titanic is possibly the most famous accident in the world. But it barely makes our list of top 10 most expensive. On April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank on its maiden voyage and was considered to be the most luxurious ocean liner ever built. Over 1,500 people lost their lives when the ship ran into an iceberg and sunk in frigid waters. The ship cost $7 million to build ($150 million in today ‘ s dollars).

# 10. Tanker Truck vs Bridge – $358 Million

On August 26, 2004, a car collided with a tanker truck containing 32,000 liters of fuel on the Wiehltal Bridge in Germany . The tanker crashed through the guardrail and fell 90 feet off the A4 Autobahn resulting in a huge explosion and fire which destroyed the load-bearing ability of the bridge. Temporary repairs cost $40 million and the cost to replace the bridge is estimated at $318 Million.

# 9. MetroLink Crash – $500 Million

On September 12, 2008, in what was one of the worst train crashes in California history, 25 people were killed when a Metrolink commuter train crashed head-on into a Union Pacific freight train in Los Angeles . It is thought that the Metrolink train may have run through a red signal while the conductor was busy text messaging.. Wrongful death lawsuits are expected to cause $500 million in losses for Metrolink.

# 8. B-2 Bomber Crash – $1.4 Billion

Here we have our first billion dollar accident (and we ‘ re only #7 on the list). This B-2 stealth bomber crashed shortly after taking off from an air base in Guam on February 23, 2008. Investigators blamed distorted data in the flight control computers caused by moisture in the system. This resulted in the aircraft making a sudden nose-up move which made the B-2 stall and crash. This was 1 of only 21 ever built and was the most expensive aviation accident in history. Both pilots were able to eject to safety. 

# 7. Exxon Valdez – $2.5 Billion

The Exxon Valdez oil spill was not a large one in relation to the world’s biggest oil spills, but it was a costly one due to the remote location of Prince William Sound (accessible only by helicopter and boat). On March 24, 1989, 10.8 million gallons of oil was spilled when the ship ‘ s master, Joseph Hazelwood, left the controls and the ship crashed into a Reef. The cleanup cost Exxon $2.5 billion.

# 6. Piper Alpha Oil Rig – $3.4 Billion

The world’s worst off-shore oil disaster. At one time, it was the world ‘ s single largest oil producer, spewing out 317,000 barrels of oil per day. On July 6, 1988, as part of routine maintenance, technicians removed and checked safety valves which were essential in preventing dangerous build-up of liquid gas. There were 100 identical safety valves which were checked. Unfortunately, the technicians made a mistake and forgot to replace one of them. At 10 PM that same night, a technician pressed a start button for the liquid gas pumps and the world ‘ s most expensive oil rig accident was set in motion.

Within 2 hours, the 300 foot platform was engulfed in flames. It eventually collapsed, killing 167 workers and resulting in $3.4 Billion in damages.

# 5. Challenger Explosion – $5.5 Billion

The Space Shuttle Challenger was destroyed 73 seconds after takeoff due on January 28, 1986 due to a faulty O-ring. It failed to seal one of the joints, allowing pressurized gas to reach the outside. This in turn caused the external tank to dump its payload of liquid hydrogen causing a massive explosion. The cost of replacing the Space Shuttle was $2 billion in 1986 ($4.5 billion in today ‘ s dollars). The cost of investigation, problem correction, and replacement of lost equipment cost $450 million from 1986-1987 ($1 Billion in today ‘ s dollars).

# 4. Prestige Oil Spill – $12 Billion

On November 13, 2002, the Prestige oil tanker was carrying 77,000 tons of heavy fuel oil when one of its twelve tanks burst during a storm off Galicia , Spain . Fearing that the ship would sink, the captain called for help from Spanish rescue workers, expecting them to take the ship into harbour. However, pressure from local authorities forced the captain to steer the ship away from the coast. The captain tried to get help from the French and Portuguese authorities, but they too ordered the ship away from their shores. The storm eventually took its toll on the ship resulting in the tanker splitting in half and releasing 20 million gallons oil into the sea.

According to a report by the Pontevedra Economist Board, the total cleanup cost $12 billion.

# 3. Space Shuttle Columbia – $13 Billion

The Space Shuttle Columbia was the first space worthy shuttle in NASA ‘ s orbital fleet. It was destroyed during re-entry over Texas on February 1, 2003 after a hole was punctured in one of the wings during launch 16 days earlier. The original cost of the shuttle was $2 Billion in 1978. That comes out to $6.3 Billion in today ‘ s dollars. $500 million was spent on the investigation, making it the costliest aircraft accident investigation in history.. The search and recovery of debris cost $300 million.

In the end, the total cost of the accident (not including replacement of the shuttle) came out to $13 Billion according to the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics..

# 2. Chernobyl – $200 Billion

On April 26, 1986, the world witnessed the costliest accident in history. The Chernobyl disaster has been called the biggest socio-economic catastrophe in peacetime history. 50% of the area of Ukraine is in some way contaminated. Over 200,000 people had to be evacuated and resettled while 1.7 million people were directly affected by the disaster. The death toll attributed to Chernobyl , including people who died from cancer years later, is estimated at 125,000. The total costs including cleanup, resettlement, and compensation to victims has been estimated to be roughly $200 Billion. The cost of a new steel shelter for the Chernobyl nuclear plant will cost $2 billion alone. The accident was officially attributed to power plant operators who violated plant procedures and were ignorant of the safety requirements needed.

# 1. 2008 Presidential Election

$800 Billion in the first two months and there’s more on the way.

 

Calvin and Hobbs Monday, Dec 29 2008 

Humor and Politics 1idvet 17:41 pm

Calvin and Hobbes. It was a staple for me when I was stationed in Germany in the early 80s.

They had this bailout/subsidizing thing pegged then:

http://www.independent.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/calvin.jpg

 

An Army Story Wednesday, Jan 23 2008 

Humor and Military 1idvet 20:18 pm

Trying to come up with one story out of many is one that is ridiculously hard to do.

I have many, but one that sticks out usually is on my first tour in Germany. I suppose it sticks out because there aren’t too many stories from my first tour that I remember. I think I was drunk most of my first tour. What do you expect from a 17 year old loose in Germany? I was still under 21 when I came back to the USA.

OK, here’s the deal. My roommate and I are out on the town after a long day at the railhead preparing to go to Grafenwoehr. We had the rest of the day and night to “prepare” to go to Graf. This usually meant packing the rest of your crap for the field, but since we already took care of that, we decided to prepare ourselves properly.

We spent the night into the wee hours of the morning drinking Mannheim dry. We stumbled our drunk asses back to the barracks, just in time to grab our gear and get on the train.

There was one small problem. My roommate couldn’t walk without assistance from me. As we approached the barracks, I had to let go of him in order to open the door and go grab our gear. When I let go of him, I propped him up against the vehicle stopping post, there’s usually two at each door. As I let go he spun around the post like a cork screw until he hit the ground. Almost cartoon like.

So our drunk asses had to make it from the barracks to the train with all our gear. Plus I had to carry his ass on top of it.

We made to the train in time, barely. Luckily for us, the military trains in Germany have the last priority, so it takes around 12 to 15 hours to make the trip. The cars we had were the sleeper cars, where the seats come out and three can sleep comfortably on the pulled together seats. Plus there were bunks that came out above that.

My roommate decided that the best place for him was under the main bunk on the floor. For the whole trip to Graf, whenever we lit up a smoke, all we would see is a hand come up between the seats with fingers spread for a smoke. Someone would light a smoke , stick it in his hand and we wouldn’t see it again for hours until we had another smoke.

The long trip to Graf gave us time to sober up and a hell of a kick start to a long field problem.

20 years in the Army and I still remember that particular drunk fest and follow on movement to Graf. I guess the biggest thing that sticks out is my roommate sticking his hand up through the seats for a smoke.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

 

Chili Cook-off Wednesday, May 30 2007 

Humor 1idvet 13:40 pm

Got this in an email today at work. I was unable to finish reading it because everyone now thinks I am a raving lunatic.  Sitting in my cube laughing at apparently nothing.

Enjoy. 

The annual San Antonio Chili Cook-off takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the city park.
Here are some notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL:

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the score cards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili #1 – Eddie’s Maniac Monster

Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.

Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.

Judge #3 – (Frank) Oh, my God, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that’s the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 – Austin’s Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang. 

Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 

Judge #3 – Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 – Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 – Excellent Fire house chili.  Great kick.  Needs more beans. 

Judge #2 – A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. 

Judge #3 – Call the EPA.  I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I’m getting plastered from all the beer…

Chili #4 – Dave’s Black Magic

Judge #1 – Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. 

Judge #2 – Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild food, not much of a chili. 

Judge #3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  That 300 lb woman is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I’m eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 – Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 – Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. 

Judge #2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 

Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.  It really irks me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Forget those rednecks.

Chili #6 – Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 – The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.  Superb.

Judge #3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous Sulfuric flames.  My last fart was liquid and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except good old Sally.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone.

Chili #7 – Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 – A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 

Judge #2 – Ho hum- tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last

moment.  **I must note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 

Judge #3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight is one eye and the world sounds like it is rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.  I’ve decided to stop breathing…  it’s too painful.  Forget it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 – Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 

Judge #2 – This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell against the chili pot and pulled it down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?